Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ordered and ate a bowl of soup at Red Bowl last night.......it made Miso sick.

   Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.

   I'm a lover of nature. Where do I go to see this superb owl I keep reading about?

   I'm not saying all Uber drivers are bad drivers, but 100% of Uber drivers are bad drivers

   In honor of the super bowl, whenever I go to poop today, i'll refer to it as "taking the browns to the super bowl"

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.

   When somebody asks me "What's the word?" I give them the finger because everybody knows that the Bird is the Word.

   The Tide commercials during the Superbowl were not a hit with older folks but the kids are them up

   I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.

   Tom Brady woke up this morning and his deal with the debil has ended. His team is over, is wife is Rosie O'Donnell and he's developed an allergy to lobster.

   Kevin Durant just announced he's signing with the Eagles.

   I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin' spoon!"

   When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...

   Double negatives are a no-no.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   Wife ask where I'd like to be buried. Ball deep in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway