Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   insert your current location, relationship problems, results of last doctors visit, what you had for lunch, how much you hate working on certain days of the week, and any other trivial details of your life here _______________________

   Its National Regret-Your-TATTOO DAY. (Not really but it cant be too far off)

   ‎"You see football takes concentration and skill....SQUIRREL!!!!" - Wade Phillips/NFL Head Coach

   I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.

   Finally they managed to fix the oil leak and I haven't heard of Justin Bieber lately. Are you thinking what I'am thinking?

   My kid has A.D.D. and a couple of F's.

   I knew Brett Favre was in for a long year when he threw that interception in the Wrangler commercial.

   busy trying to back up his hard drive but is having a difficult time figuring how to shift it in reverse.

   There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count. And those who can't.

   Your proctologist called. He found your head.

   You look like the type of guy who enjoys a nice Fromunda Cheese sandwich.

   Hi, it's me, Monday. I'm here to slap that silly grin off your stupid little pointed face.

   Hey Monday!! /take That!!! ┌П┐(◕‿◕) ┌П┐

   I like the facebook wall. It's urine free...

   You're the girl. I'm the boy. You text me first or we don't talk today.”

   I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

   melts in your mouth, not in your hand. Well, I guess I COULD melt in your mouth but it'll cost extra.

   Sometimes I wonder... are Skittles really the color of the rainbow before you open the bag to sunlight?

   I'm not sexist, I'm sexiest, and if I am sexist, then I'm the sexiest sexist.

   His next day off the kids get to pick where we get to go.... Please pick the liquor store... Please pick the liquor store.