Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is always complaining that I'm a slob by leaving clothes laying around. But that's only because she took up all the closet space.

   My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

   Gonna get two gold front teeth that says, "fried chicken"

   This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

   I can't wait for the next Women's March. Off a cliff...

   Rosie O’Donnell Announced she would not be wearing Ivanka Trump clothing brand. Don’t worry Rosie. They don’t come in your size anyways.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   I'm only 27 stomach flus away from my goal weight.

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   I've been invited to a neighbour's house later for drinks with nibbles!...they treat that bloody cat like Royalty?

   Kennedy put a man on the moon, Obama put a man in the ladies room.

   By useing earbuds it gave me alot of practice to un-tangling a string of Christmas lights

   Everyone, get your time in the gym now before the end of the yr.. it gets packed for 2 months from those "New yr, New me" ppl... then they give up after 2 months

   The population of the USA 323.1 million, CNN Fake News watchers 1.72 million. 99% stand with Trump, unless you’re an idiot.

   I just put (3) Bit-coins in the car wash and got a 30K wash. :(

   If you do the hokey pokey & turn yourself around, does that make you the bottom?

   If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn't let you skip

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it

   I can't believe it's been 5 years since the world ended in 2012

   When I look at you, I can hear music.