Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Denver Broncos today announced Al Bundy as their new starting Quarterback.

   This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.

   If white privilege exists, then why did Senator Warren have to pretend to be an Indian?

   The problem with talking to people on the phone is that they expect you to pay attention.

   Wouldn't recommend hanging up mistletoe at the office this year.

   Funny how Flynn went from "lock her up" to maybe being locked up.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.

   President Trump has golden hair like the Golden Child of mythic olden tales. Like, everything that he touches turns to gold. #GoldenPOTUS

   You can’t say that President Trump hasn’t Tweeted you well.

   1st of December and I already gained 3 pounds. Fml.

   Took the kids to the zoo today and spent the first 30 mins explaining why the animals are not in alphabetical order like their favorite book

   If you survive any given fashion fad, you are allowed to wear it forever according to my dad

   I can finally join the crowd that says THE BOOK WAS BETTER now that most movies are about comic book heroes

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it

   Vodka is practically a health drink. That is if you call it potato juice.

   "Santa, have you been working out? It sure shows. By the way, I love the new work flow plan you've established for the elves. Very efficient!" - Rudolph the Brown Nose Reindeer

   The next four weeks is going to be incredibly difficult for people whose grandmother's actually have been ran over by reindeer.

   I sent my family tree into Ancestry.com. They sent me back a packet of seeds and told me to start over. FML.