Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Interesting piece of history: In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

   I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

   Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   wants a shag in front of the fire and one night stand, better head to Ikea

   Today, I saw a Proactive commercial with Justin Bieber as the spokesperson. Don't you have to go through puberty to have acne?

   dreaming the dream but living living the nightmare

   Cause I gave up smokin', Women and drinkin' last night And it was the worst 15 minutes of my life

   ~I almost made the mistake of doing some cleaning tonight. Luckily I realized Hoarders is on; so there will be no cleaning AND no guilt

   Know what I love???? Free handguns and Hard liquor night at the ball park!!! Ton's of fun!

   Road rage and profanity: The breakfast of champions.

   I flip that middle finger and that index finger follows. Deuces!

   Cruel irony: the owner of Segway died in a Segway accident yesterday. Google it, it happened.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   Nobody is perfect, I am Nobody.

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Bandaids come in two varieties. The kind that won't stay on and the kind that won't come off.

   n't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office?

   When someone say "You Changed" that means you are not catering to them any more

   Have you ever been to a town so small that when you say, "Hey Bubba"! everyone turns around and waves?

   I'm hearing that the founder of Friendster is donating like $75 to the University of Phoenix.