Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No, I don’t want a sex robot. I have my wife for that.

   I ate too much salad over the weekend so I'm going on an Oreo cleanse today.

   I gained an hour last weekend. I spent that hour figuring out how to change the clock in my car

   Snapchat isn’t working. It’s the end of the world!

   The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

   so what if I'm single now? I mean it cant be that hard to boil toast can it ?

   A big part of adulthood is waking up every morning wondering if you have caught a cold or is this just the new normal?

   Wondering if there are any cold days in Hell, and if so does Satan slam his fist and say, "okay what band just got back together?"

   I wonder if this guy in line in front of me would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

   How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?

   They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don't have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won't look weird.

   If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions. I know that now.

   Yes, that smartphone in your hand is the gateway to the sum of all human knowledge. And you are searching for 'kids funny drive thru'

   Something seems ironic about Macy's 249th "1 Day Sale"

   Pumpkin Spice eyeliner? Have we gone too far?

   Genesis 3:16 To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”

   I’m not saying I failed as a parent, I’m just saying my son closes the cereal box without rolling up the bag.

   Disrespectful parents letting their kids run around screaming. Can't I just have a nice quiet meal at Chuck E Cheese?

   You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.