Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm not saying i'm batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?

   I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....

   Um...Food Network? Um, could you have a program that shows folks how to make fried chicken, meat loaf, mashed potatoes and things like that? Some of us don't like Duck's A$$ in Radicchio and Lobster Nutsack Glaze.

   If you're reading this while camping out in front of Walmart. You're a douche bag.

   People who spread their germs make me sick.

   When I leave a store without buying anything all I can think is “act natural, you're innocent”.

   Do you ever go on Youtube just to watch a music video and then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?

   HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE: It takes 24,637 BOLTS to put a car together, but only one NUT to spread it all over the road. Don't Drink & Drive! 

   Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.

   Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away.

   how come the bus driver is the only one with a seatbelt?

   Excuse me lady in the checkout line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test... How's your day going?

   Driving isn't even in the top 5 things I'm thinking about when I'm driving.

   I've seen obituaries that were funnier than this crap...

   Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.