Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know why people say that pornography is degrading to women. They're not the ones sat in front of a laptop with their trousers and pants round their ankles at three o'clock in the afternoon. I like this!

   Next dude I see on my newsfeed with a shirtless mirror pic is being defriended.. I dont care who you are

   You are so funny, but looks aren't everything!!

   I know you, what's your name???

   The best wife to have is somebody else's.

   These pills aren't addictive - I've been taking them for years.

   Why worry about the world ending today, Its tommorow in Japan.

   Don't make the same mistake your parents did...Use birth control! ;)

   I didn't lose my keys this time, I lost the whole d*mn car!

   you never really realise how sexy a nerd, dork or tomboy can be until you see them in a Halloween Costume.."

   Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

   Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

   No word in the English language rhymes with month.

   "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

   The Only Gracious Way To Accept An Insult Is To Ignore It. If You Can't Ignore It, Top It. If You Can't Top It, Laugh At It. If You Can't Laugh At It, It's Probably Deserved. ;)

   Why Is It That People Always Point At Their Wrists When Asking For The Time? Do They Think I Don't Know Where My Watch Is?

   I know there are boy ladybugs, but what do you call them?

   I left my cross-eyed girlfriend today. The b*tch was seeing someone else.

   Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

   Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.