Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is so fat, she eats a snack between snacks.

   Kaepernick has to keep coming up with reasons to stay relevant since he sucks at qb...

   Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.

   Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.

   This morning, a busty woman in an elevator tried to confront me. I was standing near the elevator operator, she kept starring at me and later said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards

   My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom

   "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill

   My new voicemail message: "For instructions in English, select one. Para instrucciones en español, por favor desconecte, aprenda a decir la lengua inglesa, llamar otra vez why seleccionar número uno."

   We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???

   For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns

   Just saw my auto insurance agent use a calculator to calculate 2017-2013 to show me it's been 4 years......... time for a new insurance company. 😅

   That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone

   How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.

   Angela Merkel isn't convinced about the reputations of Trump and Weinstein..she says she's never been touched up by either of them!

   Dear Curiosity, Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, the Cat.

   Imagine an orange draft dodger telling you "He knew what he signed up for". I would rather be told this by a real war hero like McCain instead.

   I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

   if dogs could text back they'd call

   NEW: McCain reacts to Trump’s threat to “fight back and it won’t be pretty.” McCain: “I have faced tougher adversaries.