Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.

   ‪Please send your prayers out to the unsuspecting victim who will end up using the same cart of the guy I saw wiping his nose with his palm.

   When a wife's deadbeat husband died. She had him cremated and his ashes placed in a 24 hour, hour-glass. He's now working 24/7 for eternity.

   When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale?

   Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel

   I have to get with the times on this social media stuff. All this time I thought Instagram was a convenient way to obtain cocaine.

   I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories

   So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance?

   Thoughts on lunch time at the office: I like opening the microwave with one second left on the timer. It makes me feel like James Bond disarming a nuclear bomb.

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   The Cleveland Indians gave it up faster than an ovulating woman just released from house arrest.

   Fact: African Americans make up 13.3% of the US population. Fact African Americans make up 70% of the NFL. Fact: Average NFL Salary: $1.9 million. And these are the guys protesting "Oppression"?

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Just admit it you're acting like a baby! You're just mad because I'm the REAL SLIM SHADY!!! -Trump

   I just drove thru the 'hood and didn't see any NFL players helping the oppressed.

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.

   You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.