Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always carry a bottle of acid in my pocket so if anyone tries to.attack me I can throw it in their face. Then all I need to do is outrun them for an hour until they start tripping.

   Chowing down on some Free Range Whale. The Japanese do it all the time... nom nom nom

   This status update is not available in your country.

   My dog is like a member of the family... but I'm not sure which one.

   to all you women out there...slow down on the make up...nuttin worse than falling asleep next to a"beauty" and waking up next to a "beast"

   People who say goodnight to facebook are annoying, I mean it's not like facebook is gonna reply goodnight or anything...

   why do we close our eyes when we pray? when we cry? when we dream? when we kiss? cuz we know that most beautiful things in life are not seen, but felt by the heart.

   can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I know I have work the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution.

   Does anyone have a clean slate to spare... I'm all out.

   buying illegal things on the internet.

   Diarrhoea; the gay guys' period

   ̿ ̿̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\=(•̪●)=/̵͇̿̿/'̿̿ ̿ ̿ ̿ Say Hello To My Lilttle Frien ..!!!!

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green..

   How can October be Breast awareness month? Men notice them all the time!

   do asian people widen there eyes and say "IM AMERICAN!"?

   When some one says "wait for it".....as a comedic device. Its even funnier to just drop kick them in the balls real fast. I like this!

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the f*ck up" be a virtue?

   I hope and pray for the day that seals become domesticated. I already have a saddle picked out for when I take mine for a walk.

   If I've learned anything from TV it's that kids will never be successful athletics or honor students unless I drive a minivan.

   Where will be your higher power if you could travel around in space?...