Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   America. .......for the love of sanity......wake up..... your going to hell in a hand cart

   View the world the way you would like it to be, and not as it is. It's less stressful.

   You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

   Here's an idea. While everyone is taking a knee for the National Anthem, let's stop the music and announce "Since we are all kneeling, let us pray....."

   This world is seriously messed up. Tom Petty died while Justin Bieber is still alive and well.

   Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   With the amount of Viagra Hugh Hefner has taken at his age, good luck closing the casket lid.

   Lasik surgery is at least $500 to just fix an eye....on wheel of fortune I can buy the I for half that price

   You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn't fit anymore.

   Someone here said that bullying and insulting people, for no good reason, means you're doing things right. When did humanity get so stupid?

   My buddy was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.

   To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?

   Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make it perfect. Have a great day. :)

   I've had a really bad day. First, my ex-wife got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

   Don’t be shy, even cats lick each other.

   The only problem with sport fishing is that the fish have a home field advantage.

   Rich people stay rich by living like they are poor. Poor people stay poor by living like they are rich.

   FYI...the NRA has NEVER killed anyone, BUT....Plamned Parebthood has! Millions.