Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope old Hugh went out with a bang.

   The only reason I picked up that copy of Playboy was to read Hugh Hefner's Obit.....What Pictures???

   Why are there so many old, retired men in church? They're cramming for the final.

   I was abducted by aliens once, but after a couple hours the Mexican landscapers let me go.

   When sone one yawns , do deaf people think they're screaming

   It's not complicated....it's confusing & stressfull

   Not to be outdone. Caitlyn Jenner announces it is pregnant!

   I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.

   Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Caitlyn is gonna be a Tranpa.

   Jay Z wore are Colin K jersey on SNL last night. Couldn't spell Kaepernick

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.

   My wife is mad at me because I dropped a channel in protest of the NFL. Oh I’m keeping red zone I dropped QVC

   O.J wants to move to Florida. Florida doesn't want him. He can move in with me, think of all the publicity I'll get. . .

   Once a year you unknowingly pass the anniversary of your upcoming death. You're welcome.

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   Remember when Ivanka and Donald manufacured goods in America? Yea I don't remember that either.

   I'm so glad my boss can't hear what I'm thinking.

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.