Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How about instead of doing the 69, we just do the 68. It's where you do me... and I owe you one.

   ...BBC News: 'Cap For Unemployed Families On Benefits' - Burberry by any chance?

   May the mass times acceleration be with you.

   Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! D Troen

   I am not the man they think I am back home

   Remember the days when you would leave for work, and say goodbye to your spouse, lover or partner, knowing you probably wouldn't talk to them until you got home from work? No cellphones, emails, texting, facebook, blah, blah! Man, though were the days...

   when I said pull out, I didnt mean shot me in the eye either!

   3 roomates and the end of the toilet paper ALWAYS end on me.. WTF!!!!!

   I'm a whole new breed of special.

   Instead of telling everybody what color is your damn bra, put 2 bucks in the freaking can at the shopping center if you really want to help people with breast cancer, for Christ's sake!! Stop talking on facebook and give money!

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her

   When I was younger, after getting a haircut or visiting the doctor I would receive a lollipop. My tastes have not changed since then. Give me a damn lollipop.

   Oh how winky faces make anything sound dirty (;

   Never Explain -- your Friends do not need it and your Enemies will not believe you anyway

   Life lesson # 243- Never try to cut the hair of a 16 month old child without anesthesia.

   Almost casted for "The Biggest Loser", when I found out it wasn't the lose weight show, totally got pissed..

   if dill was a cookie flavor, would the batter be called "dill dough"?

   well...I can't afford a breast lift. Suppose I could pierce my nipples and wear a magnet around my neck!!

   Me - "Hey Whats up!" Her - "Nothing I feel sick" Me - "awe, why?" Her - "Im on my period..." (walk away slowly and dont say another word)

   's is big. (Or maybe she said that to make me feel good.)