Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   :) Where there's a "WILL" there' a"WAY". Melania

   Kim Jong Un is nothing but an ugly, fat chink.

   Why does all the crime and unemployment target the blue states??

   I think climate change isn't a hoax afterall. - Florida

   EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!

   why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances

   They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.

   Pro Tip: Guys, start out like a butterfly and finish like a bulldog eating oatmeal...

   2017 is turning out to be one huge waste of time.

   The wax of the universe, eats the crazy cows, and then goes to the road to serve a lunch where the mothers giggle when the husband wears a short skirt and acts like a waitress.

   We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.

   The Feast of San Gennaro. The Italian version of carnival food on a street decorated with signs on sticks of the Blessed Virgin Mary begging for money.

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   What do women want? They don't know. When do they want it? Right now!!

   I was on the phone with Frigidaire service. I called from work. The girl insisted she needed the serial #. She was snippy. I said, "Count Chocula 666."

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.

   As soon as them illegal dreamers is gone, I'm gonna get me one of them technology jobs they stole from me.

   Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.

   I'm sure those pesky Russians are behind these hurricanes!!