Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't be the only one who hasn't seen a Taylor Swift video

   A friend of mine drowned at the beach. The Coast Guard asked me to identify the body. I said duh, it's the Atlantic Ocean.

   I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size

   We should start a cult. You know, for tax purposes.

   College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   I don't think the American people will ever unite and get along.

   Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.

   Where do you place the cornerstone in a roundhouse

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer

   If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."

   Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.

   You can't spell amusement without semen!

   ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

   A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

   I sure wish Texas had that $150billion that Obama gave to Iran.

   "Ask her out, Bro." "I can't." "Why not?" "I don't have the guts." -conversation between two skeltons.

   I saw a piece of trash blowing in the wind It made me think of you

   ..School has started. I got my life back. What evey mother is thinking.