Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I was in school I was so bad at math,i failed like eleventeen times!

   You can not use the 5 second rule when you drop a hotdog on the floor if you have a 3 second dog.

   During my vacation, I learned alot about my self. The main thing I learned was, not to take another vacation.

   The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.

   Trust you?! Pssstt. I still count my money when it comes out of an ATM.

   We're gonna rebuild that wall and the Night King will pay for it.

   Whole Foods should change their name to Whole Paycheck...

   What if the hurricaine just didn't like statues?

   A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."

   .....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.

   I saw a chameleon today, but if I was able to see it I guess it wasn't a very good chameleon.

   Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.

   Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.

   Trump condemns Hurricane Harvey for violence and devastation, but insists "Texans have provoked Mother Nature. There's blame on many sides."

   I believe that children are our future... ...it's why I got the vasectomy.

   Beyonce is sending prayers to her hometown of Houston... I bet if Harvey was a BLM protester tearing things up she'd be sending bail money.

   What does water have against Houston? First it was Whitney now this..!!

   If trump doesnt go to texas he is heartless, if he does go, he is taking valueable resources. I'm telling you it is a mental disorder.

   Seattle raised the min wage to 15 a hour. Report out this week for the 1st period. Min wage workers now work 12 hours less and make 1500 less a month.