Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As things that I find gratifying as an adult goes, being at work and getting paid to take a dump is very high on the list since it is something you can do daily.. I encourage everyone to do this now! And if you wanna take it to the next level, rub one out

   The first of the Chile miners has came outta the hole, rumors have it, that he seen his shadow....6 more weeks til winter!

   Ran into her ex today...put it in reverse and got his new girlfriend, too!!! ;)

   Makeover?? Honey you need to be ran over!!

   You and your rumors...you both get around. ;)

   "Today was a good day. I didn't have to slap anybody."

   One of the Chilean miner's wives is taking him on Jeremy Kyle for a lie detector. The first question is... "Apart from the 32 she knows about have you had sexual contact with anyone else in the past 3 months !

   wondering: do doggies ever do it people-style???

   if you're happy and you know it drop your pants!!

   furiously searching for my misplaced Mozambican shrunken head. Well my evening is ruined...

   do you ever get that feeling someones watching you?.... good it's about time you realized it, ive been starring at you through this window for 3 hrs, and this treebranch is killin me!

   I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

   Wishes Cesar Millan could wisper to these dern mosquito's and tell them to leave me the hell alone!

   I Asked google cause I knew you would laugh at me..

   What is with going to the doctors while your sick and they have the nerve to ask how am I doing? "Yeahhh you know I'm doing pretty well just have 2 ear infections and bronchitis no big deal!" As if they don't know I'm not doing too great.

   getting poked on facebook by one of your friends is one thing, but getting poked by a family member is where I draw the line

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   When they get the Chilean miners out, can we put the Go Compare guy in?

   when your hand gets stuck trying to reach the Pringles in that friggin' tube - STOP EATING THEM!!

   Wishes Brett Favre would stop sending me text messages.