Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hawaiian Airlines is now offering cheaper flights to Honolulu, with only a single stop to change wheel wells at San Jose.

   I just tore the tag off my mattress................... What you gonna do Obama?

   God's son died single, but he'll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

   can you get pregnant from unprotected text?

   How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face! Duh!

   had some Korean meatballs last night. They were the dog's bollocks.

   A friend of mine said that being gay wasn't so bad, but sometimes it's a real pain in the ass ツ

   The back of my ears smell like parmesan cheese.

   Kim Jong Un is nothing but an ugly, fat chink.

   Donald Trump announces huge border wall with Canada to prevent Melania from pouncing on Justin Trudeau.

   How long until we find out these tents and cages are made by Trump or a friend of his?

   Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

   can't spell "female" without "fml"..

   Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. If your man needs pills to get it up, maybe you are not as sexy as you assumed.

   I want those of you living on the West Coast to be extra careful today and make sure to put on your arm floaties before leaving the house. You know how I worry.

   look down, back up, where are you. You're on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What's in your hand, back at me, I have it, it's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love, look again, the tickets are now diamonds

   JESUS SAVES... He Passes It To Gretzky... Gretzky Shoots... He Scores!

   gonna update this status, but I got high. I was gonna let you in on my life, but I got high. Now I'm behind the times, and I know why... hey eh, cuz I got high, cuz I got high, cuz I got high!

   I wish I was British so I could say cool stuff like "brilliant" and "crikey" and "I don't have worry about Trump leading my country"

   DONALD TRUMP CIRCUS - When you're waiting for a joke to be over but its taking forever, thanks to some idiots perpetuating it.