Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those NK missles all have "Thanks Bill" stickers on the side.

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!

   Do you listen to Rap music? If so, who’s your favorite Rapist?

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

   That was quick. Mooch is down, and I only need one Jeff Sessions for Trump Bingo ! .

   If your Tupperware has "nutrition facts" on the side of the container, you might be a redneck

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.

   [inventor of dogs] Take this wolf and make it not eat us.

   I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be still alive today.

   When Trump said he'd "Give every American a Job" I didn't realise there's was just one job & they'd all get a turn. #mooch

   Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

   The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.

   Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.

   Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"