Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That bottle of beer doesn't care if you have bad breath. Its still happy to kiss you.

   If you water an apple tree with apple juice, is it forced cannibalism...?

   Kanye: Hey baby you wanna role play? Kim: Sure, that sounds super hot! Kanye: Ok, you be Kanye West

   Can you say choke? We can.....Seahawks

   The human heart is amazing. It can get hurt and in a few days it ready to get out and get some more pain.

   Stevie wonder is blind and can play the piano but I can't get a text back 😒

   Gray Matter Matters

   have my Siri set up as a British Male voice so I can pretend I'm Nightrider or make people think I have a Butler .

   I now have a very strange sensation that the world will end now Bowie is dead

   "The righteous are those who feed the poor, the orphan and the captive for the love of God, saying: 'We feed you for the sake of God Alone; we seek from you neither reward nor thanks.'"

   If you're friends aren't making fun of you, they aren't really Trump supporters.

   I am who I am. I'm weird, I'm lame, I run into things, I spill food, I trip, I scream about random and stupid stuff like fellow Trump supporters do. But, I like it that way.

   So I am making a bean/corn salad/salsa recipe and it askes for ground cummin. I'm like... uh, eww and then I'm like well I have it and it's free but exactly how do you grind it?

   Hi, I'm the new Milkman,,,,,,,Would you like it in the front or back?

   So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

   heard bieber was supposed to be on the malaysian flight... sigh...

   If it's fat, drunk, and slow, it must be Chicago

   A thief broke into my house last night searching for ‘Money’ …. I joined him in the search.

   What if April Fools day doesn't really exist and it's actually the longest/greatest prank the world has ever seen......?

   I bet the beeps the Malaysia search crews are hearing, are old sailor's pagers that fell overboard... them batteries lasted forever.