Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feminism is like the Netherlands: it owes its existence to a network of dykes fighting the forces of nature.

   If the 2nd Amendment only applies to muskets, then government healthcare should only apply to leeches, bloodletting, and lobotomies.

   I was driving yesterday and I saw one of those Pokemon things and ran over it. Or maybe it was a BLM protester. Not sure.

   Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   Bieber cancels the rest of the concerts of worldwide tour, maybe she's pregnant

   Batman- A billionaire practicing karate on the mentally ill.

   I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.

   When people say; I was thinking, Most weren't really.

   My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.

   it bad that I want to mix cream liquor with my shakeology?

   forget senior discounts..Oj can get free stuff just buy saying something like "I'd kill to have some coffee right now"

   Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.

   If a man needs to be taught how to fish, then he is not a real man.

   If it ain't one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over again.

   Trump: Making America "straight" again ?

   According to a RAND study from June 2016,. The researchers concluded that these treatments would increase health care costs for active-duty service members by $2.4 million and $8.4 million annually, Have to make obamacare cuts somewhere.

   Even to this day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.

   If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.