Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You say, "Boys. Always respect a girl that's been single for over a year. Because it means she not co-dependent ."This is not true again; she is actually dependent on her vibrator!!

   I just said to myself how life would be simpler without technology and my iPhone said "Ya right" and we laughed and laughed and wrote this status.

   I think it'd be more fun if cops pulled people over with red and green lights this time of year

   Hey! I just met you, and this is crazy, but you had 6 beers and here's your bill, so pay me maybe. - funny bartender

   Tried to kill a spider with deodorant. He's still alive, but he smells great.

   Leon: Mathilda, nothing's the same after you've killed someone. Your life is changed forever. You have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life..

   It is supposed to snow on the 4th of July but it will be in the form of rain.

   I wish birth control could work retro-actively. Some people should never have been born.

   Friday night: 7pm. The annual Peter pulling contest will be at St. Taffy's. Everyone welcome.

   It is depressing to pull the tag off of your boxer shorts and a parachute opens.

   I knew a girl high school who didn't have an oreo until she was 17. I think about this a lot

   If the world really had been flat, Americans would have poured pizza sauce on it and eaten it.

   Yes girl you can cook, give great head, have a great sense of fashion, are kind, beautiful, sexy, and have a great smile but can you twerk?

   Hey Carl, know what day it is? It's Friday. Woot woot. Suck it Carl.

   If you are a dog catcher and don't have a "pug life" tattoo you are doing the whole life thing wrong.

   Meatloaf will do anything for love.. but won't do it for a klondike bar. . .

   Obama: children in Syria were gassed. It means, Obama is not going to kill children?! I'm not sure! Please don’t swindle us!

   Explaining G A why marriages to Jesus when he returns is the least of our problems. Explaining Justin Bieber, Kardashians, Gangnam style is what we should be worried about.

   I'm only 1/2 Italian. Luckily, it's the half from the waist down.

   I wonder if the people who jerk off to anime p 0rn cry the entire time, or just after