Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coupon Susie and I were going to get married, but it turned out she just wasn't cut out for me.

   smile it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth

   I measure the wealth of my day by asking myself did I add more friends today over friends who have deleted me on Facebook

   I thought love was a giveing thing.... The more I gave the less I got

   saw this on an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, oh...fly Delta?)

   Warning: Weeding another man's garden will eventually get you plowed!!!

   doesnt get drunk, he gets awesome

   i used to think Facebook was made by a woman since it changed appearance and became more complicated so much, but now.. I am positive it is ran by a guy, after all the suggested poking of girls it wants me to do.

   If steak and B.J. day isn't a real holiday, than neither Is ''daughter day.''

   I like being Next,, You can let somebody go in front of you and still be Next. People know who you are. " Who is that"? ... " Oh him he is Next".

   Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off.

   proven the myth that a bird will always crap on a freshly washed car... Now, where'd I put that bb gun?

   wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac

   Beekapoo is me the lime

   thinks it's ironic that the man that brought the Segway to life was brought to death by his invention.

   Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.

   It's your world, I just live and suffer in it.

   In the cookies of life FRIENDS are the chocolate chips

   Hey New York....Hide your lady's, Brett Farve is in town and he brought his iphone.

   OCD's Anonymous meeting at my place. Anyone who feels compelled to clean up, go for it.