Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   If you take a girl to dinner, don't make your eyes huge when you look at the prices on the menu and then tell her she can order a hot dog or a hamburger from the children's menu. (Trust me on this one...)

   How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts

   Just helped an elderly man cross the street by honking my horn repeatedly

   And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.

   Just remember: We are best friend. If you fall, I will always be there to help you back up. As soon as I finish laughing my ass off.

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And the last day of your life so far.

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   I'm gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".

   When I went into Rehab the sign over the door said "Abandon all dope, ye who enter."

   If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a few payments

   How can Canadians be so nice and their geese be such a-holes??

   I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

   If you think this message is a display of stupidity, just wait until you read the one below this...

   Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.

   n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"

   When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.

   They say that shopping while you are hungry is the worst thing you can do, but I think clubbing a seal is, at least, equally bad.

   My newest pet peeve on Facebook lately when someone asks for a suggestion on hotels restaurants vacations spots etc.. google it you lazy/dumb F$)&tart.