Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That awkwar d moment when your last name is White but you're Black and when your last name is Black but you're White.

   A bum jus asked me "can you spare ne change", I said it @ the same time he did & called 'Jinx'. Now he cant ask 4 change until I say his name

   not responsible for LMAO's that actually cause ur ass to fall off. Or LOL's that cause you being arrested 4 laughing too loud. Or people that are "dying laughing" I am not responsible for... funeral fees. With that being said. Enjoy my wall.

   Ashton Kutcher is trading in for a new model.....and I aint talking about cars.....

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

   so I was digging a booger out and got blindsided by middle managment who gave me no time to react before they were shaking my hand and introducing me to new staff...and I don't feel guilty about it..boogers on you!

   Wishes Brett Favre would stop sending me text messages.

   When they get the Chilean miners out, can we put the Go Compare guy in?

   Thinking that they made the turtoise and the hare book to make fat people feel good about theirselves!

   has just killed thier relationship asking "is it in?"

   the 93% of people who will NOT re-post this as my status (all chain-status updates)

   Facebook: We're all here because we're not all there

   not in the dictionary because awesome is already a word

   I've lost most of my hearing, but it's okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is "nothing, nevermind."

   I guess Einstein was on Acid when he derived E=mc²

   Powerless to know the truth... Blinded by what I wanted to see... Ashamed that I let you in... Painful with how I'm left feeling... Devastated as I knew better...

   I don't know what makes my friend more a loser the fact that I found a Rihanna's cd in his car or the fact that he always likes his own facebook status.

   the life of the party, even if I dont attend

   When dogs leap onto your bed,it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed,it's because they adore your bed.

   currently the guiness world record holder for the worlds tallest midget....