Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guy at coffee shop just asked for a "croissant" like he's totally a French person. It's like, calm down, dude.

   My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun. #bakerysongs

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you're either doing something very right, or something very wrong.

   ***** if you think there should be a "dude I wasnt that drunk" category

   I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence :P!!

   I love tattoos- every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh were my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished.

   Fear? I grew up in a time when the Russians wanted to nuke us and the Stray Cats wanted to rock our towns inside out.

   alright dudes. we cant be playing with a girls heart, its the only one she has. play with her boobs, she has two of those :)

   RING... RING!!! (My Boss) "Hello?" (Me) "hmph gorg jawb forb berk." (My Boss) "Okay, see ya on Tuesday."

   nothing says "I put absolutely no thought into this" than a dozen roses on Valentine's Day.

   I'm no terrorist, but I have blown up my underwear a time or two...

   so if you have a google phone or an I phone I just found out that the police scanner radio's are free to download and fun to listen to just search police radio in app store or the market and enjoy listening to what goes down in any city in the world

   I think it's kind of funny when walking through a store past the women's intimate apparel section, or pass a Victoria's Secret in the mall, and the bra's are displayed on a "rack."

   Hi I'm Muammar Gaddafi, and this is "Escape Tunnel"....Welcome to Jackass!

   : No I have not gained weight, Your eyes just got fat

   What the hell is everyone's deal with lemons? - Life handing out stuff

   BREAKING: Penn State assistant coach Mike McQueary sent to the Pennsylvania Home for Horrible, Awful Gingers

   Like if you remember buying really silly stuff from Ronco ...Mr Microphone .. The pocket fisherman...aand who could forget the "Chop O Matic "

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, finally the farmville farms are going into foreclosure.

   Seeking a meaningful, romantic and deep overnight relationship... PM inbox for details... P.S. With Gas price at $4.25 a gallon, I'm not coming over "just to chill"