Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when one of the Goonies is now playing a grandmother in a TV comedy.

   a fart is merely the cry of an imprisoned turd

   <Rages against the vending machine

   Signs you're getting old. Trying to save something on your computer and you can't remember where you put the floppy disks.

   Nothing worse then the awkward stance when you're being sung happy birthday to.

   Ladies, best thing you can do before and after your pregnant....take some pics of yourself while your boobs are enhanced. :D Sincerely: Men who like boobs.

   In the end people always turn into the person they promised never to be"

   "rages against the machine" but it's usually a fax machine or printer.

   Please insert credit card to view my status message.

   Always smile in the morning. It will make people wonder what you did the night before.

   **when I die don't write "R.I.P" on my grave. . write "B.R.B"**

   war doesnt determin who is right... its who is left.

   If a person keeps they cereal in fridge they grew up wit roaches

   Ever try to get your toothpaste to curl up and look perfect on the toothbrush.. like it looks on the box?

   Call me the national guard then cause I wash mine before and after I piss..

   My neighbor should get a faster Internet service. This movie is taking too long to download.

   Guy in the bathroom: In the Army they taught us to wash our hands after taking a leak. Me: In the Marine Corp they taught us not to piss on our hands.

   wonder what the Elves think of Rudolph after listening to "Roxanne" by The Police?

   not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

   My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is.....purified? Oh wait petrified, sorry it's not easy r