Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando in your life.

   Due to recent events, I'm deducting a full three stars from my Yelp review of Earth.

   Whenever my parents talk about "the good old days", they always seem to stop at 1990. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   The U.S. birthrate is at an all-time low. The birthrate is now so low that "The Maury Povich Show" may have to cut back to just half an hour.

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

   Allowed a stray cat to come in, it's crazy and hates hugs, I'm also 95% sure it's a raccoon.

   Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.

   After dating for 2 months she wanted to meet my parents. I said baby chill...I waited 9 months to meet my own.

   Pretending to be nice is exhausting....

   Now Dammit! The sign says "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." It said nothing of pants! It's so hot...

   If I give you a card for any occasion know that there is a 97% chance I bought it 30 minutes before I gave it to you & then signed it while parked in your driveway.

   Female mannequins create unrealistic portrayals of women....mostly because the mannequins don't talk.

   Been watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy....

   No Nancy, I can't come to your essential oils party. I have to organize my liquor cabinet.

   Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

   You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"

   HA ... The Government says that 93 Million people are out of work but yet say that Unemployment is only at 5% ..... The total population of the US is 325 Million so I guess they're using Common Core Math to arrive at that result.

   Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator.

   OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.