Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married

   Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure

   What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick

   I'm not going bald, i'm just getting more head.

   The rules were already broken when I got here.

   I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.

   ■Unlike drugs, Facebook addiction won't cost you anything, except your social life

   would like to offer you a helpful tip : Build a bridge.....AND JUMP OFF IT!!

   can't wait til menopause do us part...

   Wondering what's gonna happen to that Hindu ass wipe from Rutgers College who played a prank on the poor guy who committed suicide when he goes to prison! I wish the guards secretly tapes Ravi getting raped and put it on the web

   I did an ancestry search on line of my family heritage? It totally explains why I found a hockey mask and machete under Jason's bed?

   Ok, does it make me too competitive, if I begin deleting friends solely because I can not beat their Bejeweled and or Family Feud scores?

   i'd run away from home, but my Mom wont let me cross the street.

   With that interception returned for a TD by Desmond Bishop, Brett Favre has now thrown 5378 completions for a total of 463 touchdowns to the Green Bay Packers.

   doesn't dress up for Halloween cause I'm a character all year long...

   Friend Requests are like a box of chocolate... you never know which are the nuts

   I figured out why I don't go out drinking much anymore... result being tagged in embarrassing photos on Facebook!

   'Paranormal Activity 2' made $41.5 million... Talk about money well spent.

   would never say this of myself, but my friends tell me that my milkshake is particularly adept at bringing gentlemen callers to the estate.