Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry yanks. After all, it is our game. We may not own the podium... but you got owned it hockey. More gold than you... y'all must like silver!!!

   America, you've got a little injustice on your chin. No, not there. A little to the right. There. Nope, you missed it again. Still there.

   Biden won. Get over it, Trump weirdos.

   Hang on Tim, God is caught in traffic. Still hasn't arrived in Foxboro yet.

   Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

   Police have reported that Tony the Tiger and the Captain Crunch have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.

   making a list and checking it twice

   Here I sit, all broken hearted. Had to sh*t, but only farted. Till one day, I took a chance. Tried to fart, and sh*t my pants

   If you need pills to be a parent then you're not a parent. You're a child yourself.

   Whitney Houston died? Does that mean we have to wait nearly 20 years for Justin Bieber to die? Has anyone turned him on to coke yet?

   ...look daddy!!...the elephant is eating the peanuts right out of my hand!!..back away son, that's no elephant, that's a fat girl.

   Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine

   I wonder if I can do a reverse mortgage on my student loan and then when I die they can have my degree.

   waiting to be blown by Irene ... I wonder if she swallows :)

   like that and that's the way it is

   I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

   The "nut job" told the "nut jobs" that the head of the FBI is a "nut job" You can't make this stuff up

   probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

   also known as H1N1

   ..walked into a butchers and saw some meat hanging from the ceiling. The butcher said he'd give me $100 if I i could jump up and touch them. I said "no" and he asked why. I said "Because the steaks are too high."