Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a snuggie made out of shamwow material.

   being a politician is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f'ing them."

   myspace, then facebook, then twitter. Next? mylifetotallyexposed . com

   ‎"POOF" did you see that?? No you didn't did you?? "MAGIC" that's why!!!

   Obama: "We Must Punish Our Enemies" American Teabaggers and GOP candidates are enemies of the Latino people??? This DUDE is the Anti Christ.......

   I wish cleaning the house was as easy as cleaning out my email.

   Your bumper sticker claiming, "My Chocolate Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" appears to be false. I've never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.

   when I was your age I lost my tooth, not my virginity

   My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.

   The kids next door challenged me to a water fight . . . I'm just poisting this while I wait for the kettle to boil

   if I ever wake up in a room full of people and a tape recorder that says, "Hello, I want to play a game," I'm going to be so mad!

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger . . .

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time

   Then God made saturn. God liked saturn so he put a ring on it.

   The Laker's championship rings were so huge that Justin Bieber was seen court-side wearing one as a choker. 

   I'm no longer addicted to carving jack-o-lanterns. All thanks to the pumpkin patch.

   [:::] is trick-or-treating for Pop Tarts [:::]

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport..

   dressing up as antoine dodson for halloween. hide yo kids hide yo wife...

   CNN just reported "15 shot dead at carwash in Mexico", whoever the gunman was needs to be a sniper in the military, he shot everybody in the car