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“i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”
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11-26-2016 03:19
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You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?
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12-13-2016 04:46
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For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.
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12-14-2016 05:57
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My favorite form of gratification is instant.
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12-16-2016 13:00
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My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
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12-22-2016 09:44
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Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.
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01-26-2017 19:00 by
John Y
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I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.
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03-01-2017 07:02
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Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'
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03-07-2017 19:26
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Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.
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03-09-2017 09:23
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My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.
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03-17-2017 01:51 by
Zinc
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The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.
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03-17-2017 13:18 by
Mick
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I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.
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03-20-2017 18:05
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Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
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03-25-2017 10:19
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"claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house
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03-28-2017 23:04
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Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
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07-22-2020 12:39
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Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right? – Me, bra shopping
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07-27-2020 08:38
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Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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07-31-2020 08:53
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My five stages of waking up: 1)Denial 2)Denial 3)Denial 4)Denial 5)Extreme hostility
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07-31-2020 08:56
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Her: do you have protection? MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
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08-24-2020 14:31
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Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”
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10-02-2020 11:17
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