Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon “i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”
←Rate | 11-26-2016 03:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?
←Rate | 12-13-2016 04:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.
←Rate | 12-14-2016 05:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favorite form of gratification is instant.
←Rate | 12-16-2016 13:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
←Rate | 12-22-2016 09:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.
←Rate | 01-26-2017 19:00 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.
←Rate | 03-01-2017 07:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'
←Rate | 03-07-2017 19:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 09:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 01:51 by Zinc Comments (0)  


   messageicon The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 13:18 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.
←Rate | 03-20-2017 18:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
←Rate | 03-25-2017 10:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house
←Rate | 03-28-2017 23:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
←Rate | 07-22-2020 12:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right? – Me, bra shopping
←Rate | 07-27-2020 08:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
←Rate | 07-31-2020 08:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My five stages of waking up: 1)Denial 2)Denial 3)Denial 4)Denial 5)Extreme hostility
←Rate | 07-31-2020 08:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Her: do you have protection? MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
←Rate | 08-24-2020 14:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”
←Rate | 10-02-2020 11:17 Comments (0)  




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