Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!!! The fact that you have a "Baby on Board" sign in your back window does not exempt you from getting your ass rammed if you insist on driving 55mph in the left lane...regardless of the posted speed. You have been warned.

   Happy Birthday USMC! Thank you to all our vets and active soldiers :)

   I just bought some Axe Body wash and now my balls are sqeeky clean too!

   One for all and all of one..Translation- Every man for himself!!!

   "This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird stuff on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a brain.

   Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

   instead of complaining about the crappy posts here, lets see if you can do any better!!!

   I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   I didn't practice abstinence, I perfected it.

   After ten years in therapy, my psychologist told me something very touching, he said, “no hablo ingles.

   Ever look at your friend's photos and think, "If you only knew what I did with her before she started seeing you."

   ladies, what's with the puckered lips in your pics?? it doens't make you look any hotter..

   That McRib is McNasty

   Kate Gosselin had a garage sale , she did good.... she has 3 kids left.

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"

   Would you rather win a hundred billion dollars today and get paralyzed tomorrow or just get life in jail with a man rapist? Up for the money.... Down for jail....

   Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   After one of my friends changes their FB status to single, I like to upload a bunch of pictures of the happy ex couple and tag the sh!t out of them.

   I hate it when people say "listen" before telling you something.