Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our company had a chili cook-off today at 11:30. The "crop dusting" began about 2 hours later

   Finds most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'

   it just me or is anyone else forced to feed their evil dust bunnies that live under there bed??

   how do you keep a little dog from humping your leg? Tape a photo of ur mom on ur kneecap.

   That's a low blow - and talking of low blows, how's your mother?

   Some advice guys: If your girlfriend is working out in your living room apartment, & there's a knock at the door from the tenant beneath you asking if there's live animals in the apartment, answering "pretty much" isn't such a good idea.

   This may look easy to you, but I assure you your mother is even easier.

   A happy ending is only an asian massage parlor away.

   you should probably just let your "Honor Student" drive. You are obviously an idiot.

   Aren't you ever tired of having yourself around??

   When the patient was asked if he had had a good night he answered that he'd slept as soundly as the nurse on night duty.

   not here right now. if you'd like to reach me on my cell phone, please buy me a cell phone.

   I'd be a millionaire if I could buy him for what I think of him and sell him for what he thinks of himself.

   it possible to be still tasting Jager from last night? Somebody call an Excorsist. Blah!

   has a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot

   She doesn't trust him an inch. If she doesn't find any strange hairs on his jackets she just accuses him of having an affair with a bald woman.

   I have a small request to make to you. Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on a holiday.

   Ur mama is so ugly when she walks past the bathroom the toilet flushes itself.

   ok, so what do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh!

   And ps... you should'nt sing a song with an "s" in the title if you have a lithp!