Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

   I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.

   Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.

   If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package

   The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

   *Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

   The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.

   Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.

   If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .

   “i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”

   You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?

   For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.

   My favorite form of gratification is instant.

   My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.