Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.

   If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package

   The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

   *Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

   The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.

   Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

   We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying

   WD-40 is an essential oil.

   I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back

   Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

   Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.

   HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents

   Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?