Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.

   Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.

   If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package

   The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

   *Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

   The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.

   Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   For now on, should United airlines lose a passengers baggage. That passenger has a right to kick a$$ on one of their employees. . .

   All middle seats on airlines should be filled with dogs. Period.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one..

   character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you!

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive and dead, no question,,, I would want it to be Schrödinger's cat

   What is the big deal about Cinco De Mayo. I've been drinking my ass off Everydayo of Mayo.

   I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.

   Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you're horny, but can't stand to look at each other !