Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love catching up with friends that I haven't seen for a while so that we can all sit around together doing shyt on our phones.

   I thought I was gaining weight. Turns out, I'm just really bad at doing my own laundry.

   One of the worst things to contemplate while driving is 'where are my pants.'

   When somebody tells me to relax, I immediately do.-nobody ever

   The only reason I don't lie to people is because I don't want anyone thinking I like them enough to care about not hurting their feelings.

   Ever have one of those nights where you drink to much and end up dreaming you are standing at the toilet taking a leak only wake to find you are wet and not at the toilet.....No?.... Me either

   My whole world just disappeared. :( Is anyone else's notification icon missing???

   Cant we all just get along- Rodney King

   "Can we all get along? Can we get along?" ...... Rodney King who were you talking to at the bottom of that pool.....or were you just doing a Bath Salt Day....

   I think we can probably stop worrying about who let the dogs out.... They're probably dead by now anyway.

   Film it? Really? After we're done, I don't wanna watch it.. I wanna do it again.

   My feelings are torn regarding the spork. On one hand, it's pretty cool. On the other...it's kind of a showoff.

   Well sun I'm very disappointed in you, I thought you'd have put up more of a fight seeing as how youre supposedly so HOT! Are you going to let this rain kick your ass for much longer or are you going to get up and FIGHT

   Ummm,,,,, Sorry about "car chases",,,,,,, ALL you European outdoor fruit markets,, And cart-vendors

   Tell me to calm down one more time. I dare you!I double dare you!

   apparently I celebrated International Beer Day Eve a little to much last night

   n't it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little cars? Which reminds me - the MOT's due on the wife's Transit.

   Ignorance is bliss ... always keep this in mind when communicating with those you may question with the information you are about to impart upon them.

   Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.

   Your pictures would look a lot better if they were real.