Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alright so I ended up taking part in national unfriend day... it's going to be awkward telling my cat he is no longer my friend.

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from Mcdonalds for making this post possible!!!

   you can have my FourLoko when you pry it from my cold, dead drunk hands...

   thinking the TSA needs to add a smoking section at security checkpoints I need a smoke after that "pat down"!

   In line at walmart. The lady in front of me had a lawn chair, a can of beans and a box of that summers eve douche rinse. I'm afraid to imagine what her weekend might consist of

   made entirely of flaws but stitched together with good intentions.

   Time to go give my sheets some a$$ and pillow some head...

   Today is National Unfriend Day... but what if mother won't let me unfriend?

   Every time a T.S.A. Agent touchs your junk... the terrorist win.

   ...just heard that Tampax is replacing the strings with tinsel this month. ...Ladies, get them soon, supplies only last for the Christmas period!"

   may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while you're sleeping."

   putting on his mistletoe belt buckle!" .

   So... what did I learn today?.... never, EVER stand up too quickly after playing guitar hero for 3 hours straight!

   A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

   ohh yeahh... the sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette

   You wouldn't believe how jealous she is. She even came up the aisle with her brothers as bridesmaids.

   if someone with parkinson's accepts your apology for making fun of them, is it wrong to ask them to shake on it? Just asking.

   making my own four loko in a blender: a bottle of vodka, 4 red bulls, a bottle of cherry nyquil and a McRib. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me.

   's dog may be getting too old. he/she fell over when I tried to ride him/her.

   I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.