Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   features more cowbell than legally allowed in seven countries

   swears he heard a chinese say something along the lines: "Are you harbouring a fugitive?" These are the exact words: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

   Parachute for sale. Used once. Never opened. Small stain.

   You can get anything from your man ladies just gag

   S.H.I.T.: So Happy It's Thursday.

   ROMANTIC IDEA: Buy a packet of glow in the dark stars and stick the stars on the roof above your bed to spell out a message such as "I Love You" When the lights go down, your message will be revealed!

   Just pulled out!...........Yep, I decided to pull out of the 2012 presidential race. Sorry america.

   The nice thing about being overweight is, if challenged, you can crush the competition....on a lighter note, you can then finish your donut......

   Well aren't you just a waste of 2 billion years of evolution?

   Go Fish is more fun to play if you add "yourself" to the end of saying it.

   you are not big boned, you are fat . . . Bones don't jiggle!

   this one's not funny, keep scrolling . . .

   knows that the bird is a word.

   thinks Katy Perry should be offered as a flavor at Baskin Robbins.

   today I saw a duck with a garbage bad around its neck, but instead of helping him, I sang the theme song for dark wing duck.

   says This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our..."

   you know you've been going to alot of bars lately when you walk into a local McDonald's to buy a burger and accidently hand the guy at the register you're I.D."

   Girl: You have a big stomach, you cant even see your own feet! GUY: I let it get big like this so I won't have to look at your face while you suck my D***!..

   By definition, shouldn't the word "unique" have zero synonyms in a thesaurus?

   Living in Orlando makes me feel like I'm in a foreign country....which is PERFECT for Thanksgiving!!!