Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don't go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.

   Someone needs to invent a DVR that records dreams.

   If you're telling me to relax, it's probably your fault that I'm not.

   "How are feeling today?" is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.

   Just once I'd like to learn something the easy way.

   I feel sorry for people who don't drink; when they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

   Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser!

   the 1 item on my Black Friday shopping list this year is a mistletoe belt buckle for myself.

   I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal."

   Since you're asking....I want a mistletoe belt buckle for Christmas.

   I just received a letter from my bank that said I am approved for a loan and a line of credit. Somebody, somewhere, made a huge mistake."

   T.S.A. pat downs on children are a direct violation of their civil puberties

   I wondered why everytime I would visit my grandma at the retirement home they were having a Hawaiian luau until I learned that flowery clothing was the fashion trend of old people.

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

   I think it's funny when someone updates their status with a depressing quote or about something bad that happened, and then people “like” it. The “like” button has become used more than a gas station bathroom.

   BREAKING NEWS: Philip Morris teams up with TSA to offer free cigarette after clearing airport security. (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~

   in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.

   jumping as high as possible so he can take a sneak peek of Friday's preview.

   I wish for once they'd kill that Harry Potter.

   I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.