Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   South Americans. They gave the world coffee and tomatoes. It was all downhill from there.

   Spicer says TrumpCare doesn't have a Plan B - "it's just Plan A and Plan A." But we all know there's gonna be a morning-after bill.

   I just got 40 winks on the suaway........ I knew I shouldn't of worn this pink T-shirt.

   I have more trust in a link from a bot account than I do in Michael Cohen.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   My wife is so fat, she eats a snack between snacks.

   I bought a roll-a-way bed the other day. I haven't tried it out yet . . . I haven't been able to catch it!!!

   I went into take my shower this morning and accidently washed my hair with Dog Shampoo. But on the upside, at least I don't have to worry about getting fleas.

   If they want to reopen all the schools they should also reopen the White House for school field trips just to be fair.

   For some reason the British people have been complaining that they had to donate 20% of their entire economy to the European Economic Union ..... How selfish of them.

   Wookies to the left of me, Ewoks to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of Endor with you...

   If you travel to Mexico Donald Trump will require you to help pay for the wall.

   Could you imagine if Hillary Clinton mentioned Benghazi in her deleted emails? Republicans heads would explode!!!

   A new poll says 50% want Trump and 50% want Killary... Me?... I just want a lobotomy..

   "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." #FamousMelaniaTrumpQuotes

   blame the a hole running t his platform for allowing this political bs to fly.

   Debating if I should clean the inside of my refrigerator out. Or just unscrew the light bulb.

   I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.

   This coming Wednesday, the groundhog's 6 week weather forecast will once again claim 100% accuracy while your local TV meteorologist's 5 day forecast will hover at its usual 1%.

   Congrats to NJ Transit trains, for going more consistently off the rails than a Sean Spicer press conference.