Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   on't name your bong after a woman, because we all know it's wrong to hit women.

   I like the sound of "PSY beats Justin Bieber...in Youtube views" If only he actually physically did it.

   CLAUStrophobia = The Fear of Santa Claus !

   I would hurt the people that I love for a taco right now.

   seen the calvin klein underware ad on youtube, haven't skipped ad in days. Well played YouTube, well played.

   Respect my lack of authority

   The first rule of iPhone 5 club is you tell everyone about iPhone 5 club.

   I was feeling a little under the weather. But surprisingly, I got down from my desk chair and I felt better? It must have been the high altitude.....

   watches Sunday football with you all day... Wife that girl.

   You're weird, sarcastic, narcisistic, rude and seem like a witch. My only question is, Are free for a date next weekend?

   i have a neighbor whos dog doesnt eat peanut butter anymore.. just saying.

   I'm really good at hide and seek. Hide my ex's dead body and seek a new girlfriend.

   Congrats to NJ Transit trains, for going more consistently off the rails than a Sean Spicer press conference.

   Happy Labor Day! The day we remember those long, grueling hours endured by women giving birth after reaching 10cm dilated.

   Who do you hate the most: people who post about their gym workouts or people who post about every time they go to church?

   I went into take my shower this morning and accidently washed my hair with Dog Shampoo. But on the upside, at least I don't have to worry about getting fleas.

   If they want to reopen all the schools they should also reopen the White House for school field trips just to be fair.

   I took my introverted turtle to an orgy and he immediately started coming out of his shell

   Debating if I should clean the inside of my refrigerator out. Or just unscrew the light bulb.

   I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.