Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   on't name your bong after a woman, because we all know it's wrong to hit women.

   I like the sound of "PSY beats Justin Bieber...in Youtube views" If only he actually physically did it.

   CLAUStrophobia = The Fear of Santa Claus !

   I would hurt the people that I love for a taco right now.

   seen the calvin klein underware ad on youtube, haven't skipped ad in days. Well played YouTube, well played.

   Respect my lack of authority

   The first rule of iPhone 5 club is you tell everyone about iPhone 5 club.

   I was feeling a little under the weather. But surprisingly, I got down from my desk chair and I felt better? It must have been the high altitude.....

   watches Sunday football with you all day... Wife that girl.

   You're weird, sarcastic, narcisistic, rude and seem like a witch. My only question is, Are free for a date next weekend?

   i have a neighbor whos dog doesnt eat peanut butter anymore.. just saying.

   I'm really good at hide and seek. Hide my ex's dead body and seek a new girlfriend.

   I took my introverted turtle to an orgy and he immediately started coming out of his shell

   My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale. I sold their house.

   Yellow cars have the lowest crash rate, according a different pole

   you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

   You really want animals? Try installing a bed sheet with a cat

   Most used homosexual catch phrase - "Im with her"

   BREAKING NEWS: Game show hosts going on strike... They know their jobs are in Jeopardy,.. but they won't settle until they can get a contract where The Price Is Right.

   To the folks who are "scared" about having a strange new President on January 20th, Relax -There's a reason Obama was called the 44th President, Because the one after will be the 45th! This is nothing new for Pete' Sake!