Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.

   Helpful hint of my day... Pizza Rolls are the equivelant of molten lava even five minutes after removing from oven... fmt

   Just wrecked myself...I sure wish I would've checked myself beforehand.

   Doctors performed emergency surgery on Nancy Grace to remove what they thought was a malignant mass. Turned out it was just her head.

   Hey, incessant seatbelt indicator beeping, I'll outlast you; just like your friend the gas light. You're not the boss of me!!

   Common divorce : $10,000-$30,000, Box of 22 shells $7.28, You do the math...

   But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.  -Alice in Wonderland-

   If your hips roll over the top of your pants then they're TOO SMALL! just sayin

   Husband & wife were watching TV about psychology & mixed emotions, he turned to his wife & said, That's a bunch of crap! I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy & sad at the same time. She said, you have the biggest penis of all ur friend

   Everyone's got a story. I'll sleep through yours next.

   ■I don't get you Vegans. If cows didn't want to be eaten, they'd move faster.

   Time to break out my mistletoe belt buckle!

   If light travels so fast, then whats wrong with these new compact flouresent light bulbs? Is that why they are "energy efficient"? Because they don't turn on when you hit the switch?

   True friend, if your internet ever goes out, just give me a call, tell me what web pages you wanted to visit, and I'll describe them to you.

   The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.

   I can't believe that it's the year 2010 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.

   I feel bad for Santa....the poor guy only comes once a year

   I don't like it when other shoppers look in my cart while at the grocery store. Trying to steal my ideas, go think up your own dinner!