Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Been married for 3 months now, when is it appropriate to start leaving the bathroom door open when taking a dump?

   Just went out to my neighbors front yard and wrote "Merry Christmas" in his yard by pissing in the snow

   Waking up with morning wood is normal, but trying to piss with morning wood is an adventure.

   Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.

   I remember when I was young and couldn't wait to grow up so I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted... Ask me how's that working' out?(OK,hun. I won't forget the trashman comes to tomorrow.) Gotta go Facebook my chores aren't done yet..

   When playing The Telephone Game, I like to whisper to the next person, "I'm going to kill you," and then nod and smile encouragingly.

   I was making love to Robert Pattinson for seven hours straight until security told me that Madam Tussuads was getting ready to close.

   OMG! It's so cold I think I have ovaries now!!

   Everyone has that one friend you just can't bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can't think of who that friend is, it's you. ..

   every time a toy breaks...an elf gets beaten..

   New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”

   Why does every BLACK joke start with the person looking over both shoulders and talking quiet?

   Just took a dump and thought to myself... What did people do before iPhones? How awkward it must have been reading them huge newspapers.

   I bet you were one of those kids that ate the paste while gluing on cotton balls to make Santa's beard.

   Wanna play "Santa"? I let you sit on my lap and tell me what you want. I pretend to listen, call you a ho ho ho, stuff your stocking and you swallow some egg nog.

   Officer: You know why I pulled you over just now? Me: You didn't see me the first two times?

   My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

   Brett Favre just said "I probably won't participate tonight because of stiffness", I bet he's never said that before

   Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.

   Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!