Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to procrastination, my schedule is always full.

   if in 2012 the world does not end, the naked guy sticking his tongue out of the middle of the Mayan calander can lick my @$$.

   Just made my very own holiday fruitcake. It wasn't that difficult. All you need are some twinkies and some skittles.

   After I get Christmas bought, I will be so broke that come New Years I'm gonna have to party like it's $19.99

   Really needs to stop making friends with random people at 7-11 while intoxicated

   I was religious.... right up until about the age of reason.

   IF I cared, I'd draw you a map of your ass with an X marking the spot where your head is buried."

   i like to say a BIG HAPPY CHRISTMAS to the person who dropped money on the floor today.thank you

   With the fuel prices as high as they are, I'm actually hoping for coal this year!

   thinks Santa should send all the naughty people Justin Bieber CDs instead of coal for Christmans

   I am going to open a coffee house and charge more than Starbucks. The sign above my cafe will be written ever so elegantly, "Voler Votre Argent."

   I'm sending my friends Justin Beiber CDs because fruitcake is a traditional Christmas gift.

   Santa is too real! I saw him outside the liquor store last night and he smells of Bourbon and Marlboros.

   I'm an angel, the horns are just there to keep the halo straight

   Fricken spellcheck. Looks like Santa will be bringing me a nice piece of glass this year.

   I'm never disappointed. everything happens for a reason. I jus get pissed waiting to see what dat reason was exactly.

   Winter Weather: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   I hate the way cats stare like they got something on you.

   All I want for Christmas is a Komodo Dragon named Pookie.