Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   versatile..........put him in any position and he will always perform

   I'm sitting on my couch and updating this status from my cell phone just so my friends think I leave my house occasionally

   my favourite ride is the "slip inside"... oops, I meant the slip n' slide...

   If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.

   OMG I just wasted my time watching the twilight series :love triangle between a depressed girl a 110 yr old vampire and a werewolf !

   behind every great man is a woman, and behind that woman is another woman....... And another woman....... And another woman.... And another

   pole dancin on a numba 2 pencil... IT'S FRIDAY!!!

   What do whales eat? Fish and ships.

   Chasing a FAT MAN in red with salad, Oh It's SANTA

   on an Hedgehog's back, Wearing underpants made of cast iron.

   says the funny thing to do is get in a elevator where everyone is going a couple floors up and let a silent one go and watch peoples faces

   my best friend said the best sex he ever had was with a cougar......i don't even like big cats

   we always knew who the fat parents were picking up in elementary school

   Starting to think my Imaginary friend has serious issues....Hey!! You better get down from there, If you fall and break your legs don't come running back to me Pal.....What!!!! Don't look at me with that tone of voice...

   will be weed smoking and turkey pulling this weekend... oops! reverse those verbs!

   Playboy made a mistake passing on Kate Gosselin as a centerfold. I believe America desires to see a uterus that could be used as a three car garage.

   lets turn the NFL into touch football

   Donald Trump seems like the kind of guy who had a Y2K bunker.

   Bill Clinton denied having sexual relations with his intern because it was hugely embarrassing. Melania denies having sexual relations with Donald for the same reason.

   I'm very curious to see how many people still believe Trump when Trump said that past presidents told him that they wanted to build a wall, when the past four living presidents publicly announced that they never said no such thing to him.