Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield. Today I feel like the windshield washer fluid and heavy duty windshield wipers cleaning up the mess left in my view.

   My ex-wife was spending to much at the nail salon every month so I had her declawed... which later I was greatful for during the divorce.

   Next time think I'll just throw the corn directly into the toilet and skip the eating part.

   Welcome to my wall of shame. You are the latest addition.

   going to go observe the ladies' shakeweight class at the gym.

   Why is it the windshield washer sprayer only freezes over when you most need it?

   Cold poptart and instant coffee = The breakfast of champions that wake up really late for work.

   woke up on the wrong side of someone else's bed this morning.

   57. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed

   I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

   Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

   obama hears a hu

   I've started a new exercise regime. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do one sit-up.

   String theory is the basis of our universe?? So, God made us in a macramé class??

   dealin with backstabbers there was one thing I learned.. they are only powerful when you got ur back turned.

   Treat ur tuthbrush like a girlfrnd Use atleast twice a day Dont let any1 else use it, & replace it in every 3 months.:-)

   would like to partake in the consumption of multiple alcoholic beverages this evening

   I feel like I am retaining water today. Omg. that's it. no more lifetime movies or chick flicks....

   Dating websites should model themselves after facebook, with an ugly button.

   A boomerang is a Frisbee for lonely kids.