Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love someone set them free. If they come back with two police officers, it means stalking was not a good idea.

   Prayer is like duct tape. If it's not working, you need to use more of it.

   Guy and Girl in a Cars backseat and she says "Kiss me where it smells".....so he drove her to Newark,

   I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said "I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle"

   I've seen over 10 ladies whose New Year's Resolutions include “Loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

   Hey, Dave Grohl...we get it. You hit the drums hard. Now try playing with some dynamics.

   Squirting: A lie women with poor bladder control came up with to pee on our beds/faces.

   I am woman! Hear me babble until you zone out and then get pissed because you weren't paying attention. Roar.

   I went on a blind date last night. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   I bet there was a lot of cabs and 711's shutdown today,due to mourning.

   Happy Fat Women's Day!

   Kelly Clarkson's new album will be delayed for a few months. Apparently it has upset all three people who were lining up to buy it.

   I've recently found out that I can be a pain in my own ass...

   your fat because you have a slow metabolism!!! yeah right!!! A slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!

   it just me or did anyone else notice that Bob Marley never looked like a "Bob."

   They have the cause of the earthquake narrowed down to either Obama's approval rating hitting the floor or the cemetery just outside of Washington DC. (You know, the one our Founding Fathers are in. They think that they all turned over in their graves.

   "Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my lumber so haul me maybe?" - Mexicans outside Home Depot.

   Do people that sell chairs give out stool samples?

   froget Halloween its about to be the first of the month. I need my foodstamps, I'm hungry as hell!

   The Muppets took over WWE last night. In other news, Dora the Explorer is refereeing MMA Octagon Thunderdown