Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You wanna know the definition of deductive reasoning? I've deduced that the fatter the chick, the more boring the facebook page.

   So I hear the schools are going to stop teaching cursive writing. That's OK. I can type an entire sentence without making so much as one single errot.

   A Villain is judged by the quality of his henchmen.

   You know those filters in your head that tell you its a bad idea to say something. Yeah well, I think mines broken.

   Would you like to share that with the class? Yes, of course. That's why I was whispering it.

   Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.

   In light of the impending nuclear catastrophe I have two words of advice for the Japanese… Double Tap

   On this blessing occasion of mother's day I'd like to thank all the sri lankis and philippinos and other maids who are raising the precious lebanese children and wish them a happy mother's day

   If you believe in the ever after you would have to assume that Liz now knows if MJ did it

   If snitches get stitches.. You can call me Scarface

   We now live in a society where a prostitute earns more money than a school teacher. This means we have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.

   What do you mean I'm being sarcastic? I don't even know what sarcasm is!

   Rebecca Black's fame only lasted 2 Friday's

   n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

   Apparently you shouldn't ever answer a girl's text message with “k.” Bad idea.

   How come when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

   President Lyndon B. Johnson owned an amphibious car and would scare his guests by driving into a lake, screaming about brake failure. Those are the same people who don't like Obama.

   Your sexy legs looks like an Oreo cookie. I want to split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle....

   A man walks into a library and asks for a book on poor customer service. "Go f *ck yourself...." says the librarian.

   My wife thinks I have a gambling habit. She hasn't said anything, but I can bet that's what she is thinking.