Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One thing I miss about childhood is being able to throw a snowball at someone's head without the authorities getting involved.

   How is it my cat is only one foot tall but his azz is always at eye level?

   Note to Taco Bell: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,Glue some hooves on it and call it beef....

   apparently my wife didnt think "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?" was half as funny as my friends did

   Charlie Sheen appears to be the real life Glen Quagmire. Giggity!

   has 32 friends online right now on a Friday night....Your all a bunch of losers...I am proud to be one of you.......!

   Sometimes I cook with wine, and sometimes I even add it to the food

   I talk to myself because my teenager wont talk to me

   your acceptance of what is about to happen isn't required, but I have this axe and I already dug a hole, so.....

   Your status leaves a bad taste on my eyes...

   in other countries they riot against brutal dictators, in America we riot when our sports team wins a championship

   90% awesome (i know its not 100% but I have more awesomeness than Taco Bell has beef)

   I wonder how the people in Cairo, Egypt would act if they ever won a championship of some sort...

   The other 65% of Taco Bell meat is gorilla.

   Slept with a coworker. She didn't want it to get "weird" at work. Well neither did I, so I fired her.

   Let's drink tequila till you don't remember what I suggest next..

   gone of the deep end, knowing that prison inmates can now poke me!

   Oprah embraces her half sister & brings her into the family. Tomorrow, I will be showing up as long lost brother - JD Winfrey

   New season of Jersey Shore to film in Italy.. To maintain balance in the universe, Italy will send 8 citizens to Fazoli's

   Why can't Horatio Caine figure out Dexter Morgan is a serial killer?